Saturday, July 10, 2010

Breaking News: Serious Crime In Humboldt Park, BUT WHERE ARE ALL THE COP 'STACHES?

It's 4:32am right now - Earlier I heard some noises which I wrote off as being fire crackers. I distinctly remember thinking to myself "I hate fire crackers - they make me feel as if there are guns going off in my neighborhood. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a fool, but it's July 10th when I'm thinking this, at 1am and you can be damn sure there are STILL kids setting off their tiny rockets & fire crackers as if the 4th ends when they want it to end.

About 25-40 mins pass and I hear my friend Fyodor say, "They're arresting some guy!" - Okay, now my interest is peaked. I stand up & start peering in the direction of the of badge toting dudes piled upon one poor sucker that's getting hand cuffed. It took several minutes to cuff him and get him tucked into a car - and all I could think was, "How many cops does it take to fasten some hand cuffs...count...1, 2, 3, 4, 5!..." AMAZING!

By the time Mr. Criminal had been tucked away into a vehicle to take to lock-up, I'd gathered the binoculars and I'm watching hard-core like this is an episode of 24! ::insert beeping clock here::

I completely understand that I was being sucked into the event that was happening outside as if it was spectacle - but in many ways it was just that!

They put police tape up to section off 1/4 of the entire block - there were at least 15 to 20 officers, several of which were specialized detectives, k-9 units, & sheriffs. I saw one officer put a large bag of white powdery substance in a specially marked bag into the trunk of her squad car, another cop walked away from the taped-off area with an automatic riffle, and an officer broke into a car to hotwire it and confiscate it!!

Okay, so all this being said, we can pretty much assume that there was violence & drugs involved in whatever happened! But in the middle of trying to figure out what was going on...I noticed something very odd! THERE WERE NO COP 'STACHES!?

According to the Positive Law Enforcement Blog, Department spokesman Sgt. Rick Mincy of the Chattanooga Police said, “When I think of a police officer, I think of a guy with a mustache!” - So clearly, something's changed in Chicago! The blog later continues with an average Chattanooga police officer being quite matter-of-fact about his facial hair, “I wear it here,” said Sgt. Tommy Meeks, pointing to his lip, “because I don’t have any here,” he continued, gesturing toward a balding scalp.

OKAY, so the two cops nearest me were 2 of 3 officers with face-fuzz. One with a fully seasoned salt & pepper beard trimmed at least a inch and a half from the face and pretty groomed. His partner on the other hand had a wild walrus mustache (like this gentleman that's pictured here)! And the third fuzzy faced detective had a white-man's-chin-strap (a little thicker than the hip-hop-standard-chin-strap). But that's it! That's all we get!

I tried to video tape what was happening, but the street lights were all in the wrong places. I was one step away from stepping outside and approaching Cop Beardy & his partner Detective Walrus 'Stache, when I decided that my inquiries may distract from the issues at hand. BUT SERIOUSLY, Dist. 14, what's with your lack of cop-staches!!??

It appears Dist 14 (serving Humboldt Park & Wicker Park - Chicago) is filled with Caucasian and Latino dudes that love their military hair cuts, big muscles, and bullet proof vests! I caught just a couple of Donout Storage Units (round cops), but they were clearly the higher ups - finally rolling out of the office to find out what's going on in the real world again!

These observations sparked an entire dialog between Fyodor, Lauren and myself. Lauren was hoping I'd go outside and address Cop Beardy, to try to get down to the bottom of the 'stache shift with the west side PD - and Fyodor was way too concerned with the idea of the police being frustrated with my bothering them to begin with - by the time I decided to take action, the large K-9 van, and 4 of the squads had disappeared; most tragically Cop Beardy & Walrus 'Stache!

So now, I feel that I have to make up for my hesitation! I believe this blog marks the begining of a serious investigation of the police and their internal psychology! I must understand why these west side Chicago Police Officers have walked away from a standard of facial-fuzz that's been with the force consistently since the 70's! I must get to the follical of this situation! I must know - where the 'stache has gone - and whether it's on the verge of making a come back!

This post has been written for your delight by, Commander Mojdeh!

2nd Annual Cop-Stache Contest
Positive Law Enforcement Blog -article sited here - cop stach post
NBC Chicago's Coverage of Blackhawks' Coach's Cop-Stache


  1. I feel as though it may make a comeback, based on the awesomeness that is "The Good Guys." I'm glad you're safe. :)

  2. brilliantly written. and i LOVE the psychological aspect of your investigation!! :D

  3. @Amanda - yeah, I don't think it was like a wild shooting or anything. It sounds like it was a "focused effort" maybe a quarrel between dealer and undercover? I have no idea!

    @Monika - It's all about the psychology! Why become a cop if you're not going to rock the stache at SOME point! SERIOUSLY!